after hours 7
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked with a lovely young thing, similarly naked. Just as she was about to storm out of the house her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain." The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, "I was driving along the highway and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the fridge which you didn’t like. She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of shoes which you had discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you. Her jeans were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too tight for you to wear any more."
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That’s all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?"
The husband replied, "Well that’s simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use any more?’"
IF A DOG WERE YOUR TEACHER You would learn stuff like...
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it’s in your best interest -- practice obedience.
Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Never pretend to be something you’re not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
No wonder God loves little children...
Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have now? Jane
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan
Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil
Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and was my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce
Dear God, If we come back as something, please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise
Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam
Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I’m not praying... Elliott
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan
Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob
Dear God, My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn’t sound right. They are just kidding, aren’t they? Marsha
Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes. Mickey
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Donna
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Customer: I’m not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma’am?
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep: What programs are running ma’am?
Customer: Let me see - I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWSELFESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWSELFESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHSELFESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.EXE. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma’am?
Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.EXE have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I’m done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTs in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops... I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?
CS Rep: Don’t worry ma’am, that’s a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTs but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep: You’re welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!
CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...
CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for all your help.