after hours 1
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’"
"That’s terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered."
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell two of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and find that you have five cows. You count them again and find that you have 42 cows. You count them again and find that you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the journalist who reported the numbers.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION
So there are these two Jewish cows. They open a milk factory, an ice cream store and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So who needs people.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad...
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks, "Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says, "To kill my husband."
"I can’t sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the lady is the pharmacist’s wife. She shows it to the pharmacist, who looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn’t realise you had a prescription!"
A little girl asked her mother, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat."
"What’s that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, "Okay, that should take care of that problem. You can go now, but keep Belle on the lead and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes with no dog on the lead. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where’s Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I’m a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!! DARN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!
After every flight, pilots complete a complaint sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the complaint sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.