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after hours 8

A man goes in to Tesco for a sandwich one day to find his wife with another man walking around doing some shopping. He leaves and goes back to work enraged at what he saw. He decides not confront his wife but to keep going back to Tesco to see if this is a regular thing. To his dismay he finds that it is, and that it happens every Friday lunchtime. The man keeps quiet for a couple of months going to Tesco every Friday lunchtime in order to follow the unknown man and his wife around the shop.

The man can take no more and begins drinking in his local every chance he gets. One evening he is telling a man at the bar about his dilemma and asks him what he should do. The man replies that he knows someone who would do them both over and will arrange a meeting if he wants. A meeting is arranged for the following evening in the pub.

The man is introduced to a huge bloke called Arti. He tells him the story and Arti says that he will do them over together in Tesco. The man asks about a fee and Arti tells him that he loves to kill people and will accept a token fee of a pound. The deal is done and the place is set to Tesco on Friday lunchtime.

Arti awaits their arrival and follows them around the shop for a while and then pounces on them, strangling them both with his bare hands. As Arti runs out of the shop two security guards tackle him to the ground and wait for the police. He is caught and tried for murder and found guilty. The headline in the paper the next day read:

ARTI CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some asprin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."

The little girl had just listened to her mother’s reading one of her favourite fairy tales.

"Mummy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once Upon a Time...?’"

"No, dear," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with ‘Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...’"

A blonde went into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don’t have any money. But I’d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes. Anything," the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door," the man said. She did.

He then said, "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did.

"Now go ahead ... take it out ..." he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well ... go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it ... and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said ...

"Hello, mum can you hear me?"

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man’s reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.

Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really," she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is, three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

The Wisdom of a Navajo woman

A business woman is driving home in northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Since the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. While making small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you’re wondering what’s in the bag," says the business woman, "it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for awhile, nods several times and says thoughtfully ... "Good trade."

Italian Wedding Night

Maria had just got married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.

"Don’t worry Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest."

"Don’t worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom,Tony took off his trousers exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his trousers and he’s got hairy legs!"

"Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you." So up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this,she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta."

Essex girls

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions"

Girl: "OK."

Medic: "What’s your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate."

~~~

An Essex girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can’t figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it’s finished? "

The girl says, "According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box.

~~~

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there’s blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she’s lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I’m going to check if you’re concussed."

Trace: "OK."

Medic: "OK then, how many fingers am I putting up?"

Trace: "Oh my god! I’m paralysed from the waist down!"

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! you are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don’t stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says...

"Damnit ... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Did you hear about the American, Japanese and Irishman in the Jacuzzi?

After a while a bleep goes of. The American puts his arm to his ear saying, "Sorry, it’s my bleep, a micro chip implanted in my arm."

After a few moments a phone rings. The Jap puts his hand to his ear and after a few moments says, "Sorry, it’s my miniature phone implanted in my wrist."

The Irishman, not wanting to be out done by this technology, gets out of the water and goes to the loo. When he comes back there is a piece of paper hanging from his arse. The American and Jap look most puzzled...

Paddy then says, "Oh look, I’ve got a fax coming through."

» after hours 9