after hours 2
1) I STARTED out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
2) When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
3) I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4) Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
5) All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6) If all is not lost, then where is it?
7) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8) If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
9) The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
10) I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
11) I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
12) It was all so different before everything changed.
13) Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the lamp post.
14) Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
15) Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
16) A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
17) I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
18) Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
19) It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
20) It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
21) Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
22) The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
23) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
24) Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
25) Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
26) When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
27) If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
28) There are two kinds of pedestrians ... the quick and the dead.
29) An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
30) A closed mouth gathers no feet.
31) Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
32) It’s not hard to meet expenses ... they’re everywhere.
33) Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
34) The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These are a collection of extracts from insurance forms made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas mag.
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind."
"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn’t give way."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight."
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies’ loo."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn’t when I put my head through it."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side; then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
He said, "I found the remote".
A lady teed off on the golf course and to her annoyance she saw two men putting near the hole. She watched in anguish as the ball hit one of the men and he fell to the floor clutching his hands between his legs rolling and writhing in agony.
She rushed over. "I can help," she cried. "I am a masseuse and I can help with the pain."
She took down his trousers and began massaging his groin. "How does that feel?" she asked.
"It feels great," he replied, "but my thumb still hurts."
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened!!!
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball ... stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
Paddy applied for a job as a bricky. Much to his surprise he was asked to attend an interview.
"Right," said his inquisitor. "We want to see if you’re up to the job. What’s the difference between a girder and a joist?"
"Ah, that’s easy, to be sure," replies Paddy. "Goethe wrote Faust, and Joyce wrote Ulysses."
A little old lady walked into the head office of Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag. She told the cashier she wished to take the $3million she had in the bag and open an account. But first, because of the large amount of money involved, she wished to meet with the president of the bank. After opening the bag and finding the bundles of $1,000 bills, the cashier called the secretary of the bank president asking if the little old lady could meet the president briefly. It was agreed to. The little old lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made and she stated that she always liked to get to know the people with whom she did business on more of a personal level.
The president agreed and asked how she had come into such a large amount of money.
"I bet," she simply said.
"You bet?" the bank president asked.
"Yes, I bet," she responded.
"Like on horses?" the bank president asked.
"No," she replied, "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet different things with people, adding as an example, "I’ll bet you $25,000 that by tomorrow morning your testicles will be square!" The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker, but decided to take her up on a sure thing. After all, he didn’t see how he could lose! But, for the rest of the day, he was very careful about what he did. He decided to miss a poker party that night just to play it safe.
The next morning while showering, he checked to make sure everything was as it was supposed to be. It was. He went to work humming, and awaited the little old lady who was to come in at her appointed time of 10:00a.m. He just knew it was going to be a good day, for he going to win $25,000 for doing nothing.
At 10:00 sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a young man. When the president inquired as to his identification, he was told the gentleman was the little old lady’s attorney. She always took him along on deals when there was so much money involved, adding, "Now, what about our bet?"
"I don’t know how to tell you this," replied the bank president, "but I am the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer!" The little old lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought that was a reasonable request and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over so she could grab onto them and check for sure. Sure enough, everything was fine!
The bank president looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What’s wrong with him?" asked the bank president.
The little old lady responded, "Oh, him? Yesterday I bet him $100,000 that by a few minutes after 10:00 this morning, I’d have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls!"