fellowship of authors and artists

Teresa Parker

Social Worker, Peace Worker

Teresa Hi, my name is Teresa. Here’s me in the November sunshine. It’s my day off, unexpectedly warm and golden. Discovering that it is possible to be happy, free, have self-respect and feel the power of love had a big impact on me. I discovered also that when I was happy I had a lot more energy for others, so this made it worthwhile. So rather than more worthy sounding aims I decided to seek happiness. For me it’s friends are love, humour, curiosity and passion. And journeying with them, in itself provides comfort when things are going badly. For everything from each point on provides me with more information about how I might be happier in the future. So that’s me. Here’s a bit about my work in case you are curious.

As a mental health worker for the last twenty years, I have offered support to people coping with physical or mental illness, horrible pasts or bloody difficult lives. There have been some extraordinary transformations.

It is my good fortune to work with a number of people who are looking for ways to be happy. Against what others might consider insurmountable odds of illness or circumstances, they seem convinced that despite it all, happiness is possible. Quite a number of them find it impossible to talk to someone. I want to make the normal "supporting of people" work that I do more available and accessible to them and any others. I have devised this web page with the help of Graham Irwin in response to this need. I would be interested in any feedback you might have.

Are you ready to begin?

Do you know what you are feeling?

Are you happy feeling like that?

Do you know what you want?

Are you happy with what you want?

Can you get what you want?

Are you happy with your actions?

Well then... You know how you are feeling, you’re happy feeling that way. You know what you want and you’re happy with that. You’re able to get what you want and you’re happy with the actions you’re taking, so what’s you’re problem?

How to know what you are feeling...

If you are wondering why bother or it’s too painful or it’s scary, read on, if not then skip this bit.

Why bother?

It is worth identifying how you feel at the moment, because that is the starting point on your road to feeling happier. You need to know where you are now in order to set off to where you want to be.

It is worth doing because you will be discovering more about yourself. Each time you pay attention to a part of you that hurts you increase your sense of self worth. That alone is worth doing. The more aware you are of your feelings, the more you are able to treat others’ feelings with respect too.

I will do whatever I can to assist you in believing you are worth it.

It’s too painful

Pain is the way our bodies tell us something is wrong. Most people can tell the difference between toothache and tummy ache but there are lots of people who cannot tell the difference between anger and sadness for example.

So, it is very painful. We stand a better chance of easing it if we know more about it. Different pains need different treatments.

It’s too scary

This feeling that you have has a lot of power ,but you can be more powerful. Information is power. Treat this task like a detective would. You don’t have to tell anyone else. You only have to be honest with yourself.

Feelings identification

Listed below are some words that describe uncomfortable feelings. I have put them together in groups that I think fit together. You may want to put them in different combinations, which are more accurate for you. It is not an exhaustive list and some words fit equally well in several groups. If the important one is not there for you, find the closest word you can and look it up in a dictionary or a thesaurus for other possibilities.

The first line of words are those often used when it is difficult to exactly identify what you are feeling.

The first stage is to identify your feeling, or group of feelings as exactly as you can. Look down the list and pick any that describe how you feel. What can you discover about how you feel. What is the intensity of the feeling? You could give it a score out of ten.

It is possible that you may not be able to identify the feeling. Even allowing yourself to fee! it, which is usually a good ideal may not help. ,t may be eluding you for good reason and you should not push yourself. or agonise over it. It is very important to be gentle and compassionate with yourself.

Odd, bad, peculiar, troubled, upset, strange
Pissed off, aggravated, furious, annoyed, cross, irritated
Scared, suspicious, frightened, terrified, shy, fearful
Anxious, apprehensive, unsettled, uneasy, dread, panicky
Bored, listless, restless, disinterested, disconnected, directionless
Bewildered, confused, dazed, perplexed, muddled, frustrated
Disappointed, let down, betrayed, abused, deceived, cheated
Exhausted, weary, tired, overwrought, debilitated, wrung out
Envious, jealous, clingy, greedy, resentful, vengeful
Hopeless, dejected, disheartened, despondent, discouraged, despairing
Lost, lonely, self loathing, wretched, worthless, embarrassed
Abandoned, rejected, neglected, ignored, unacknowledged, unwanted.

When you have identified your feelings it is time to decide what to do about them. The first question is:

Have you gathered all the information you can about your current feelings? You might consider:

Is it one main feeling that you have or a group of similar ones?
What is the intensity of the feeling?
Do you feel like this often or is it unusual?

If you have a complex group of feelings to manage, you can deal with them in the following way. You can find your priority, usually the one that feels the worst by entering them on a comparisons grid.

An example: I have five feelings (sadness, resentment, fear, worthlessness, anger). I want to know which is dominant.

How to complete the grid

Starting with sadness and reading across the top row, compare it to resentment and decide which is the stronger feeling. If sadness is stronger than resentment put more in box 1; if sadness is less strong put less. Then move along to compare sadness with fear and put more or less in box 2. When you have finished comparing sadness to each of the other feelings, move down to the second row and compare resentment to the other feelings. I continue working across each row until the grid is complete.

	Sadness	Resentment	Fear	Worthless	Anger
Sadness	~	1	2	3	4
Resentment	5	~	6	7	8
Fear	9	10	~	11	12
Worthless	13	14	15	~	16
Anger	17	18	19	20	~

Now you know much more about your feelings...

Are you happy with how you are feeling?

Maybe an unusual question, bearing in mind we have been examining uncomfortable feelings. But you may, for example, be quite content feeling pissed off at the moment. Similarly, bereaved people often feel a sense of relief when they are able to grieve because it is better than the numbness that accompanies the shock of a death. So overall they will not be glad to be grieving because it involves sadness but the sense of appropriateness to the situation is reassuring.

Perhaps an even clearer example is what many abused people feel when recovering. Many say they are glad to feel full of rage because it provides energy to dispel the shame. Others are grateful for any feeling at all ,in fact. because it means that although the self that is feeling is not comfortable, it is definitely there.

How to know what you want...

...

How to get what you want...

...

How to feel happier...

You have arrived at this section because you want to feel happier. There are many ways to do this and I have grouped them into sections.

Best friend
Working with the feelings
Thinking differently about things
Seeing it differently
Doing it differently

Best friend

The method involves becoming a best friend to one’s self. It is the best antidote to loneliness that I know.

What do you know about friendship? What is it made up of? How do you know that someone is a friend?

Here’s a longish list of how you might be with a friend. You may have other statements to add that reflect the quality of your friendships. Use these suggestions to draw up your own list.

I know what his likes and dislikes are
I trust his judgement
I give him space
I stand up for him
I spend time with him
I believe in him
I would give him anything he wanted
I would find help if he wanted it
I take time to find out what he wants
I think he’s worth it
I like being with him
I don’t pressure him
I get him little things that he likes
I have fun with him
I do not leave him unprovided for
I take care of him
I plan things so he doesn’t miss out
I like finding out about him
I am pleased when he succeeds
I would protect him if it was needed
I listen to him
I give him my attention
I want to see him happy
I do not judge him
I am honest with him
I respect him
I let him be

Having made your own list of what friendship means to you, consider now how it would be if you were to treat yourself in this way. On your list try substituting "my" for "his", "myself" for "him" and "I" for "he".

Sometimes it can come as a surprise to discover that we treat ourselves so disrespectfully. But no surprise at all then that the recipient of all that bad feeling is miserable.

But what to do about it? Maybe identify your five priorities for how you want to treat yourself. Since this has become something you want, you can use the how to get what you want section to help.

It is possible to create your best friend within yourself.

Write down a problem that you have at the moment, as if it were to the best sort of friend that you could have. One that believed in you completely, wanted the best of everything for you, was always there.

Now write down what they would say back to you, in response to your problem. Remember that you can say anything to them and they won’t judge you, you can get angry and they will understand. If you want them to go away they will and you can be sure that they will return when you are ready. But also, they are no fool, they will be honest with you in a way you can accept.

Working with the feelings

Here is an idea to try out.

The route to happiness

Write down your main uncomfortable feeling on one side of a page and the sort of happiness (contentment, enjoyment, etc.) you are aiming for on the other side.

For example:

Resentment . . . . . .

. . . . . . Enjoyment

Then fill in, on the line, the feelings you would need to go through to get from resentment to enjoyment.

It could be:

Resentment... anger... loss... grief... acceptance... interest... exploration... enjoyment

This alone does not provide a solution, but it gives a “feelings route” to follow. Of course your actual route may not be this straightforward. You may get distracted down some dead ends, or find some interesting side roads.

If you record your route, what feelings you went through on the way, how long it took to travel through each of them etc, you can build up a whole map of your feelings and how they connect up. The next time you find yourself on the route, you have a map. You can see where you went before and how to move through the uncomfortable ones and avoid the dead ends.

This does not make the feelings better straight away. As you walk back and forth across the landscape of your feelings, it gets easier, more familiar, less frightening. It becomes a known place.

Below is an example of a map. They vary a lot from person to person. It’s the drawing of the map and seeing how feelings connect up with each other that is useful. There’s no wrong map. If it’s right for you, it’s right.

[map coming soon]

Thinking differently about things

Positive thought is extremely powerful. To feel happier, challenge negative thoughts with positive ones. Here’s a tactic to try.

First take any negative thought that you have.
Write it down in the middle of a page.
Draw a border round the thought.

Write down some positive opposites to the thought, outside of the border. They do not have to be true.

For example:

Nobody loves me

Nobody hates me

Everybody loves me

The purpose of this is to expand your thinking away from the negative thought. Negative thought is powerful because it tries to pretend that it is the only thought that you could possibly have, in the circumstances.

As soon as you accept that a different thought is possible, you have broken it’s grip over you. As soon as you have broken it’s grip, start thinking other positive thoughts too by putting a "but" after your negative thought. For example:

Nobody loves me but . . . . . . that’s their problem!

but . . . . . . I love myself better than they could anyway

but . . . . . . I can still love them

but . . . . . . they will when they come to their senses.

Another way to break the stranglehold of a negative thought is to it on one side of a seesaw. Now consider what thoughts would tip the seesaw the other way.

For example:

I’m no good

If you can’t think of any thoughts to tip the balance towards a more positive view, move the fulcrum nearer to the thought.

I’m no good

Now, things are more tipped in your favour. Any positive thought will have a bigger effect.

Negative thoughts try and stay in power. Another way to dis-empower them is to take the detective approach. Treat them as a crime that has occurred.

Write down your negative thoughts.

Give each of them a score out of ten (10 has the most power to make you feel bad, 1 has the least).

Pick the most powerful thought and subject it to scrutiny. Put your thought in Court.

Where did it come from?
Who said it to you first?
Why is it so powerful?
What are the advantages and disadvantages of thinking it?
If someone else said it to a friend, what would you say back?

The next thing to do is gather evidence that disproves it. Look broadly across the years of your life and identify, not just what happened but such things as what your intentions have been, what you wanted to happen, what you did when things didn’t work out.

This lets you see the thought in the context of your life. Often, doing this will weaken the thought a bit and you will be able to give it a lower score out of ten. Once you start to find evidence that weakens the thought you often find more.

Now bring science in to help weaken your negative thought a bit more. Here’s an experiment that you can try out to further disprove the thought.

Take along an imaginary observer as you go through your day. Their job is to help you notice each time you do something that disproves the negative thought. What will help you remember that you have your observer with you?

Once you start noticing you can start to build up your body of evidence to convict that thought as untrue, unsubstantiated and unreasonable.

Keep your evidence, re-read it as necessary.

Seeing it differently

Sometimes the way to be happier is to see things in a different way.

The first step is being able to see, which depends on the willingness to see, or to become aware. To become aware it is necessary to have “inside eyes”.

Developing “Inside Eyes”

Inside eyes look from the inside of us. They see how things look from the point of view of our internal lives. From how we feel, what we think, what we want, what our experience has been. They enable us to see ourselves in the context of what we were, are, and hope to be. They are very useful if we want to be able to see things...

in a different way;
from a different perspective;
as part of a larger whole.

The best thing about inside eyes is that they are on our side. They scan across our lives and experiences and show us the places we want to change. They enable us to be self aware.

Some notes to remember when using your inside eyes to look at your life.

You don’t have to look at anything you don’t want to.
Get things in focus, try to get a clear picture.
If it’s all a bit intense, put sunglasses on, getting blinded won’t help.
Check out what you see with others.
Don’t wear yourself out by looking too hard.
Don’t look to judge, look to see.

What you see may not be what you want so this leads onto...

Making Changes

Some ideas:

Visualisation is a powerful tool in the task of getting happier. It trains the brain in new directions. Visualising an action is as effective as practising it, when learning something new or getting something different to happen. Visualising the circumstances under which you become happy is very worthwhile.

There are several ways to do this. Make the picture as specific as possible. Imagine it as a video, frame by frame, perhaps write the script. Make it all happen in your head how you want it to. This is particularly helpful if you tend towards making negative predictions about how things will turn out. Or if you feel powerless to change things, or you feel hopeless.

Making a Vision:

Here, the task is to create the environment in which vision can emerge. You’ll need some time and space in which to do your dreaming, the discipline to switch off and a willingness to let be, whatever is. This is the environment in which visions emerge.

Visions emerge of their own accord. But there are things you can do to help them along. You could try:

Collecting anything that appeals to you. Small things are best because you are going to put them all together and look at them every now and then. Don’t think about what they are, only include them if they strike some chord with your senses or feelings. Don’t try and organise them, just enjoy putting them together in some way. On a shelf, a picture board, into a collage.

When you have collected your appealing things together you can ask “What are you seeing?” Does what you see surprise you or was it as expected. Does it have any suggestions to make about how you could get to be happier?

These sort of tasks help with the task of seeing things differently.

Seeing things from a different perspective

Here are some questions that you can adapt to your situation.

What will things look like if they carry on like this for the next decade?
If it was the next decade now and you looked back to this time, what would you see?
If a miracle had happened such that you wake up tomorrow and you are happy, how will you be able to tell? What will have changed?
How would someone who believed in you see things?
How would life be different if you were incapable of judging yourself harshly?

Seeing things as part of a larger whole

One of the main ways of utilising a different perspective is to see life, or the events in it, as part of a larger whole. Whole systems of beliefs have been devised down the ages to deal with questions about suffering and to explore the possibility that life has more meaning attached to it than that which is immediately obvious.

As a general guideline I would say that spirituality (or a set of beliefs) is helpful if it:

Provides experiences or a sense of wellbeing, connectedness and meaning without expecting the sacrifice of freedom of belief, choice or movement.
Provides a language with which to discuss questions about life, rather than just a set of answers.
Is more interested in promoting values than doctrines.
Enjoys difference, welcomes growth and celebrates variety.
Can laugh at itself.
Will honour that which is honourable in its past and take responsibility for its errors.
Sets the individual within a larger context and in relation to something bigger (God?).
Is fearless and has a means of dealing with negativity.
Puts its ideas into action, or its money where its mouth is.

By no means an exhaustive list!

If you were to create a set of beliefs that helped people be happier, or made the world a better place, what would they be?
If there was something that would give meaning to your current state, what would it be like?
Do you have beliefs about humanity that give meaning to your life?
What beliefs nurture happiness in you?
Have you inherited beliefs that make you unhappy?

If this is helpful then go explore things spiritual.

Doing it differently

(to be completed...)