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after hours 9

My friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which he’d used for years without trouble. However, conflicts between these two systems soon became apparent, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off (a setting nigh impossible to achieve). But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2, Playboy 6.0, and Peace and Quiet 2.5. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000. But imagine my friend’s disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 data files and cannot be deleted - they then re-surface months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and email Porn Filter. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoStrop and WingeZip and no option on the help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.

The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop browser Pro for new attachments. Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. It also refused some of the new games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can’t be turned off.

Recently he’s been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before uninstalling itself.

Is this a common problem?

Ice cream - good for body and soul

As the days get hotter, here’s two pieces tangentially on the subject of ice cream.

First, good for the body...

A Little Science is a Dangerous Thing --- author unknown.

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree Celsius.

Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F).  For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories.  The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert’s temperature is normalised.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie LOSS is approximately 5,000 calories.  Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.  This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses.  Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalising process.  Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We should all be thin very soon if we adhere religiously to this pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

[Of course, with COLD pizza and beer, the ice cream is optional...]

* * * *

... and good for the soul...

This is one of those "aren’t kid’s cute" pieces:

Ice Cream for the Soul --- author unknown.

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentle man approached the table.

He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my son asked.

"Cross my heart." Then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal.

My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already."

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear; right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don’t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ... brought both paws together ... bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what’s that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features... of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"

Hung Chow: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon."

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"By the way, you got nice house."

» after hours 10