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after hours 5

Some Female Words De-coded

1. "Fine" This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (Never use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

2. "Five Minutes" This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the bin, so women feel it’s an even trade.

3. "Nothing" This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) This is NOT permission; it’s a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be that the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you’ll have a "Five Minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine".

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) This is NOT permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want, because I don’t care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh" This is not actually a word, but is still, often, a verbal statement very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

7. "Soft Sigh" Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" is one of the few things that men actually understand. It means that she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move, or breathe, in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh" This word, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that," or "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement - run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it or you’ll get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead".

9. "That’s Okay" This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That’s Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That’s Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. "Please Do" This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for whatever you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a "That’s Okay".

11. "Thanks" The woman is just thanking you. Don’t faint and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say "you’re welcome".

12. "Thanks a Lot" This is dramatically different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks a Lot" when she is really mad at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Real courtroom questions & answers

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son... the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere!

Bloke driving around in his Porsche in the countryside. Stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says, "I’ve got an offer. I’ll guess how many sheep you’ve got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me, and if I guess wrong, you get my car".

Shepherd thinks he’s on to a sure thing and agrees.

"137" says the driver.

"Damn me, you’re right", says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep.

Man walks away, stuffs a sheep in car, and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window.

"I’ve got a proposal for you. If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If I’m wrong, you can have all my sheep".

"Done", says the driver.

"You’re a consultant", says the shepherd.

"Bloody hell, how did you guess?"

"Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it".

Answering system at a mental hospital

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the orbiting mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the voices will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the phone cable until an operator comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you.

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