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after hours 4

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses they were ‘protecting’.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job - if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realises that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where’s the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don’t know what you’re talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, ‘If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?’

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, ‘Sure, why not?’

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ‘You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.’

‘That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,’ says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, ‘Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?’

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, ‘Okay, why not?’

‘You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government,’ says Bud.

‘Wow! That’s correct,’ says the yuppie, ‘But how did you guess that?’

‘No guessing required.’ answered the cowboy. ‘You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.’

‘Now give me back my dog.’

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you’re an engineer - you’re in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how’s it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake - he should never have got down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I’ll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy’s mouth dropped open but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dived into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing – and they think WE did it!"

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of field.

Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pull back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more only to be struck on the head by a bottle of sherry.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been hampered.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I’M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I’M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!

He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance valuations in a large US Corporation:

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week."

» after hours 5