Skip navigation

after hours 4

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses they were ‘protecting’.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job - if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realises that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where’s the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don’t know what you’re talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

Ten civil servants standing in a line,
one of them was downsized - then there were nine.

Nine civil servants who must negotiate,
one joined the union - then there were eight.

Eight civil servants thought they were in heaven,
’til one of them was redeployed - then there were seven.

Seven civil servants, their jobs as safe as bricks,
but one was reclassified - then there were six.

Six civil servants trying to survive,
one of them was privatised - then there were five.

Five civil servants ready to give more,
but one golden handshake reduced them to four.

Four civil servants full of loyalty,
their jobs were all advertised - then there were three.

Three civil servants under review,
one left on secondment - then there were two.

Two civil servants coping on the run,
one went on stress leave - then there was one.

.

.

.

The last civil servant agreed to relocate,
replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.

There were two prawns, James and Christian, swimming along the bottom of the ocean. James accidentally rubs up against an old lantern and whoosh, a genie appears and grants James two wishes. After a moment’s thought James decides that he wants to become a shark so as to gain the respect of all the creatures of the sea.

Whoosh ... James becomes a shark and swims off.

Two weeks later James is upset. All of his old friends are now afraid of him and his life is miserable. He decides to use his second wish, and he wishes to be a prawn once again. Whoosh ...

Now a prawn again, James swims away to look for his mate Christian. When he arrives at Christian’s house he knocks on the door and shouts out for Christian.

"Go away", says Christian, "you’re a shark and you’ll just eat me".

"No I won’t", shouts James, "I’m a prawn again Christian".

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you’re an engineer - you’re in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how’s it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake - he should never have got down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I’ll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dived into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing – and they think WE did it!"

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What’s the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you’ve created me in Your Image and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hideous snake, but I’m just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What’s a ‘man’, Lord?"

"A man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego, and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll be a pain, but he’ll be a challenge for you to civilise. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants.

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He’s better than nothing, but you can only have him on one condition."

"What’s that, Lord?"

"You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey. He managed to keep control of his mount and pull back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more only to be struck on the head by a bottle of sherry. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been hampered.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I’M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I’M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!

He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. "... in His name. Amen."

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance valuations in a large US Corporation:

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week."

» after hours 5