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after hours 16

Hienze’s Baked Beans

We’re going to have a gang-bang, my brother Bert and me
We know a girl with great big boobs who does it all for free
We’re going to take her bra off, her panties and her jeans
And take her back to our house and give her Hienze baked beans.
(Actually we’re going to stuff her but that doesn’t rhyme)

Extracts of letters to North Sea Gas

Can you remove the meter so it won’t cause an obstruction in my passage?

The electric men did it through the floorboards but your man put it in my front passage where everyone can see it.

I don’t like it so much in the kitchen as I did in the showroom.

Since you put a new pipe from the mains to our house me and my husband dread going to bed because of the slight discharge.

We think there is leak just after it enters.

I told my husband it was safe to leave it in all night but he won’t.

If he comes to the showrooms like I did can the lady satisfy him behind the counter and talk him out of it?

I was told mine was no good but if it was altered I can get the North Sea in.

I have heard there are two ways of doing it and it works out cheaper the more you get the other way.

I am not satisfied with an apprentice so would you send a man to do it properly.

My wife will be ready for your man if you will let her know when he is coming on a postcard.

I will try to pay before the month end because my husband will be surprised if you cut it off without telling him.

My husband is pretty handy but he says your men can do it better because of their tools.

It has got slack with use and my husband cannot make it tight no matter how he tries.

For the time being we are making do with an old gas ring.

My slot is now blocked but your men made an awful mess banging their tools on the wall.

Since I made arrangements with your salesman I am having a baby and would like it changed for a drying cabinet.

My neighbour has a bigger one than us and it makes a difference to her water when she fills her bath.

My husband was under the impression that I was getting it at reduced prices but your salesman didn’t use his head and got me into trouble.

It’s about time your workmen came back and filled the hole because we are fed up with having it in the street. It is a big attraction and we are getting children by the dozen.

The woman who is after the house says she is not keen on it so if she gets it can your man stand by to take it out before she comes.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
2) When your mum is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is grandpa’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is ... Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is ... Having friends.
At age 17 success is ... Having a driving licence.
At age 35 success is ... Having money.
At age 50 success is ... Having money.
At age 70 success is ... Having a driving licence.
At age 75 success is ... Having friends.
At age 80 success is ... Not piddling in your pants.

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left they would leave right after her. After all, she never telephoned or returned to work, so how would she know that they had gone home early too??

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at the spa before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day at their coffee break the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "The boss almost caught me yesterday."

The ability to make puns is said to be the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an air plane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I’ve lost my electron." The other says, "are you sure?" The first replies, "yes, I’m positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal operation? His goal: to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They’re identical twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry  payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since  everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set  of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

... 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

... and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

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