after hours 15
The retirement dinner
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
"He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people..."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON’T EVER BE LATE.
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians passed on from one generation to the next says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse the best stategy is to dismount. However, in modern business, because heavy investment factors have to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
- Buy a stronger whip.
- Change riders.
- Theaten the horse with termination.
- Appoint a committee to study the horse.
- Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
- Lower the standards so the dead horse can be included.
- Appoint an intervention team to re-animate the dead horse.
- Create a training session to increase the rider’s load share.
- Reclassify the dead horse as ‘living-impaired’.
- Change the form so that it reads: ‘This horse is not dead’.
- Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
- Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
- Donate the dead horse to a recognised charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
- Provide additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.
- Do a time-management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.
- Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
- Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
- Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
- Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
- Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL
BE TAKEN.
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG
AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN’T WORK).
Another month ends.
All targets met.
All systems working.
All customers satisfied.
All staff eager and enthusiastic.
All pigs fed and ready to fly.
3-minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps herself up in the towel again and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal
a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his
hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm 129?" The priest apologised, "Sorry Sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving
at the convent the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church the priest rushed to look
up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory.
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish." "Me first, me first!" Says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She’s gone. "Me next, me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He’s gone. "OK, you’re up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven’t got the energy." "Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh!t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend. (3) And when you’re in deep sh!t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends the 3-minute management course.