after hours 12
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don’t get mad at me... I know we’ve been friends for a long time... but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit, am I driving?"
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feeds her a tasty breakfast and sets her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT HOME
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it’s time we had sex, don’t you agree?" The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon. Afterwards, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle!" Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose."
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don’t know. I’ll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on the wood for good measure. She then yells, "I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door."
What Hallmark doesn’t print:
So your daughter’s a hooker
and it spoiled your day.
Look on the bright side
it really is good pay.
My tyre was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tyre
I noticed your cat?
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we’ve been
together, I can’t help but wonder?
What the hell was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?
I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you...
I’ve changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ... would you like to take this knife
out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married...
but not to you.
Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
When we were together, you always
said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time...
what say we stop?
I’m so miserable without you...
it’s almost like you’re here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday.
So we’re having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)
The Office Assistant you may have missed
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. Sign up early and get a discount on registration. The course covers two days and topics covered in this course include:
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET AND FLOOR
Practising with hamper. Pictures and graphics
THE AFTER DINNER DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER
Debate among a panel of experts
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE
HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING
EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role-play
HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
A real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
On-line class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING
TO BE LATE
Bring your diary or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
A large company recently hired several cannibals as it was expanding quickly and couldn’t find enough British staff.
"You are all part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the ground floor for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of our other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No".
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But, Noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"