after hours 11
How to insult nearly all musicians...
Q. How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What’s the definition of a minor second?
A. Two flutists playing in unison.
Q. What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
Q. What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bassoon recital.
Q. Why do clarinettists leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q. What’s the definition of a nerd?
A. Someone who owns his alto clarinet.
Q. What do you call a bass clarinettist with half a brain?
Q. What’s the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner’s neighbours are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don’t return it.
Q. How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax
player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
Q. How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A. Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
Q. What’s the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn’t.
Q. What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What’s the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer
in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What’s the range of a tuba?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. What’s a tuba for?
A. 1½" x 3½".
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A drummer.
Q. What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?
A. "Would you like fries with that, sir?"
Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They have machines to do that now.
Q. What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
Q. What’s the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A harpist tuning his unison strings.
Q. Why are pianists fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.
Q. Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q. What do violists use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A. Sit in the back and don’t play.
Q. How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q. What’s the difference between a violist and a dog?
A. The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q. How do you get a violist to play downbow staccato?
A. Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
Q. Why are violins smaller than violas?
A. They are really the same size. Violinists’ heads are larger.
Q. What’s the difference between a cello and a viola?
A. The cello burns longer.
Q. What’s the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A. The coffin has the corpse inside.
Q. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A. So you don’t have to retrain the cellists.
Q. Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A. He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell him which one.
A bass player was so bad that even the section noticed.
Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
Q. What’s the difference between a soprano and a Porche?
A. Most musicians have never seen a Porche.
Q. How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A. She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
Q. What’s the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
A. You can negotiate with the PLO.
Q. What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.
Q. If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground
A. Who cares?
Q. What’s the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertiliser?
A. The sack.
Q. Why are conductor’s hearts so coveted for transplants?
A. They’ve had so little use.
No warning - just read!
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they’re at death’s door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"My God, Pepe," says the first bloke. "It’s a bacon tree!!! We’re saved!!!"
"You’re right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
The first bloke quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe, Pepe - what the hell happened?"
"Ugh... it wasn’t a Bacon tree...
It was a Ham bush..."
These guys have had one hell of a life because it was Pepe and his mate, once again, in the desert and desperately short of water who, at their wits end, spotted this nomadic caravan halted in the middle of nowhere. The caravan was made up of hundreds of market stall holders. They crawled to the first stall and, cleverly, asked for water. "Sorry," came the reply, "I only sell these little tubs of sponge, custard, cream, and hundreds and thousands on top."
Disheartened, they go to the next stall: "Sorry," said the stall holder, "I only sell these little tubs filled with sponge, custard, cream, and hundreds and thousands on top."
In an abject state they try several more stalls but get the same answer. They give up and stagger on, only wistfully glancing back to look at the busy market.
"Pepe," said his friend, "what do you make of that?"
And Pepe replied, "Well, I have to say, I did think it was a trifle bazaar."
A lady stopped unexpectedly by her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing," she asked.
"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied.
"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.
"LOVE DRESS! You’re naked," said the mother-in-law.
"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. "He will be home any minute now, so perhaps you could stop by a little later?"
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left.
On the way home, she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, his pickup truck drove up the driveway.
Her husband opened the door, and immediately saw his naked wife.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she said, excitedly.
"Needs ironing," he replied.