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after hours 10

Job Performance

Factors Far exceeds job requirements Exceeds job requirements Meets job requirements Needs some improvement Does not meet minimum requirement
Quality Leaps tall buildings with a single bound Must take a running start to leap over a tall building Can leap over short buildings only Crashes into buildings when attempting to jump over them Does not even recognise buildings
Timeliness Is faster than a speeding bullet Is as fast as a speeding bullet Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet Would you believe a slow bullet? Wounds self when attempting to shoot
Initiative Is stronger than a locomotive Is stronger than a bull elephant Is stronger than a bull Shoots the bull Smells like a bull
Adaptability Walks on water consistently Walks on water in emergencies Washes with water Drinks water Passes water when excited
Communic- ations Talks with God Talks with angels Talks with himself Argues with himself ... and loses those arguments
Judgement Has the judgement of Solomon Has the judgement of the Queen of Sheba Can distinguish between Solomon and the Queen of Sheba Believes in fairies Is a fairy
Penetration Can see through thick armour plate Can see through thick planks of wood Can see through me Can see through thick panes of glass As thick as two planks of wood
Acceptance of responsibility Doing my job for me Trying to do my job Doing own job Trying to do own job Trying
Numerical ability 99.9% 9/10 6/10 3/10 36:26:36
Drive and determination Bull at a gate Dog after a rabbit Horse at the plough Lamb to the slaughter Dead as a dodo
Relations with others Is related to the Permanent Secretary Is related to the Permanent Secretary’s PA Has relations with the Permanent Secretary’s PA Is the Permanent Secretary’s PA Is married to the Permanent Secretary’s PA

Tips you can use... (as answered by elementary school pupils)

How do you decide who to marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10

What is the right age to get married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

What do you think your mum and dad have in common?

Both don’t want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

What do most people do on a date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9

When is it okay to kiss someone?

When they’re rich. - Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

How would the world be different if people didn’t get married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? - Kelvin, age 8

How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10

Radio station mayhem

Trevor seems to be having trouble getting his radio tuned in...

Newscaster Good evening, here is the 6 o’clock news with...

Gardening Presenter Percy Greenfingers, introducing another programme in the series "Gardening for beginners". This evening’s topic is how to grow...

Women’s Presenter your babies; and in this second edition of baby welfare I’m going to point out some of the finer points in...

Cookery Presenter being a fruit cake, large enough to feed the entire...

N world. The Prime Minister added that what this country lacked was...

W a pair of very rosy cheeks beaming at you from...

G behind the compost heap. The flower bed should then be...

C beaten up with two eggs; add a little spice, but remember to...

G pull out the large weeks by hand so that...

W the baby does not fall asleep. The tiny infant may be lowered gently into the...

N Grand Canyon, which...

C should be brought to the boil. Allow to cool and then grease...

W the baby’s ears before sprinkling with...

G a thick layer of fertilizer. This will ensure that...

W when he comes out of the bath, he will be...

C that beautiful golden colour we all associate with...

N politicians and trade unionists. Governor Mortimer said today that every school teacher should...

W have his nappies changed every six hours. Feed him regularly with...

G a large sackful of pig manure, which may be obtained from...

N Buckingham Palace, where today the Queen awarded the Victoria Cross to...

C a large steak and kidney pudding, which should then be...

G planted just below the soil, where it will not be troubled by...

W dandruff, earache or any other illness common to...

N Members of Parliament. The Prime Minister added that the whole British population was suffering from...

G wind, which is a real danger to...

W young babies. If spots appear, take him at once to the nearest...

C grocer, who will sell you the icing sugar which should be...

G applied liberally over the whole garden. If your celery is backward then bend it forward and take...

C a cup of cherry brandy, which should then be poured...

N down the drain, declared the Foreign Secretary. He said he would rather sit...

G on the manure heap. By the way, do not forget to scrape the decaying humus off...

W the baby’s tongue. If it is heavily coated with...

C tomato ketchup then this will add to the taste of your savories and at the same time it will make the...

G flowers bloom right in the middle of the...

N Suez Canal. Constable Pickleband said he hoped he would not have...

W any more babies. Then you need cotton wool which...

C can be cooked quickly and served with...

G slugs and snails and all sorts of garden pests one finds...

N in the House of Commons. Miss Ann Widecombe told the house that she...

G grows best when standing in six inches of water, which helps to...

W clean out the baby’s mouth. Two teaspoonsful at bed-time and the baby will wake up...

G all colours of the rainbow making an attractive display of flowers for your rockery. They should be put in a vase together with...

C two pounds of self-raising flour; then your cooking will combine the...

N Greeks and Romans which Julian Mortimus said resulted from...

W too much sugar in the diet. This may be corrected by taking the baby in your arms and...

C stirring it well with one egg...

G and a handful of grass seed...

C so that when cooked it will taste like...

W cod liver oil. And so we reach the end of this week’s edition of baby welfare; do not forget, mothers, through the winter months always to keep the baby well covered with...

G weed killer; reminding you to bed down your geraniums and make sure that the...

C boiling pot covers them completely while cooking. That brings us to the end of our cooking tips for this month. Thank you for listening. Join us in four week’s time when I shall be describing how to make...

N an isolated depression extending over the Outer Hebrides, moving in a south-easterly direction and extending to all parts. That’s all for now. Next news bulletin at 10 o’clock.

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